FULL COLUMN: Signs of older age

…from yesterday’s Tampa Tribune.

As we enter 2012, leaving 2011 behind, I thought it might be fun to chronicle all the ways my body stopped working properly this year.

Fun and depressing. Is that not the holidays in one sentence or what?

As I get older, this list will only grow. So maybe we can look back on my good old days now, when the worst moment involved an ill-timed sneeze and white pants.

Okay, perhaps it’s too soon to look at our early forties as the calm before the storm. We have nothing to compare it to yet. But there is no denying a few more wrinkles here and faster-growing grey hairs there. Escaping the reality of age is impossible. However, there are other, more subtle ways that getting older creeps up on us.

I now endure random pulsing and twitching. This happens at night before I fall asleep, during a business meeting before the caffeine kicks in, and lots of moments in between. All of a sudden, I feel a little quiver in my right leg. Or perhaps my left thumb starts moving a little. Too bad I don’t believe in Satan or exorcisms. During Rescue Me reruns, I use the cast as an excuse and rejoice in a fully-functioning sex drive; however, like presidential candidates, these spasms attack without warning and leave me annoyed and irritated.

Chin hairs – never good news.

I’m already holding things at arm’s length in order to see them. This is the new normal. Downside: Younger friends make fun of me. Upside: Magnifying mirrors aren’t nearly as frightening.

Every song I dry-humped to in college is now considered classic rock.

My hands feel numb after a few minutes of driving, cooking, and writing. I blame everyone who ever deserved the middle finger or a 1000-word column.

I involuntarily listen during pharmaceutical commercials.

Rice cakes are now a delicious and tasty treat. ‘Nuff said.

Hangover 2 was not even remotely funny.

Morning cocktails once involved vodka. Now they involve pineapple and prune juice.

Adult-onset allergies are a lot like adult acne, but with headaches and sinus pressure. I’ve been known to combine all three with an anti-aging mud mask and wonder out loud, “Who’s bringing sexy back?”

Flossing teeth has become a horrific experience. What the hell died in there?

I was just beginning to get Andy Rooney.

Have now accepted the fact that I will feel tired almost 25% of the time, and never when I want to.

There are medical studies on my age group every week and the prognosis is often incontinence and death.

I can see the day coming, even if it’s not quite here yet, where relaxing vacations might be enjoyable.

Coffee. Old CW: Nasty, like someone took a poop down your throat. Then I vacationed in NYC with my family, zero personal space, and honking horns at all hours of the night. My mom bought something called a Peppermint Mocha Latte. Two sips later and I could walk at a pace I hadn’t kept since Clinton was in office. New CW: Heaven in a cup.

Can’t wait to see what falls apart next. Happy New Year!