FULL COLUMN: Misery loves company

…from yesterday’s Tampa Tribune.

We’ve all been warned about fair-weather friends. These are the types of acquaintances who want to enjoy and celebrate during good times, but have a tendency to disappear when times get tough.

I’ve noticed the opposite trend as we get older. People flock, hover, and make meatloaf during economic disasters or health crises. It’s as if a silent alarm goes off and most of us know exactly what to do: send cards, gift baskets, and promise to pray for whomever are in need. In the past, when I’ve written about biopsies and cancer scares, people came out of the woodwork to offer support.

At first, I found it touching that so many people seemed to care.

But when tests came back negative and the storm clouds passed overhead to reveal sunshine and warm winds, some seemed almost disappointed.

Does it feel better to share sorrow with our friends rather than celebrate the victories?

When I’ve discussed this with a few people, they mentioned that complaining, or pointing out all the ways their lives aren’t so great, encourages others to share their disappointments in return. They don’t want to “brag” about good times. Perhaps the economic climate is so bleak, or aging is such psychological trauma, that we can no longer relate to anyone but those who are suffering and miserable.

For me, there have been a few times in the last ten years that were particularly rough. I’ve never felt more loved than when friends sent care packages, positive thoughts, and offered to listen. Then I made plans to improve my situation. Suddenly, those same concerned folks turned into lobsters, pulling and dragging me back down the barrel as I dared to reach the top and escape.

Concern can be misinterpreted sometimes. When my family and I started to enjoy success and happiness once again, some of those concerned folks lost touch with us. They seemed to resent the improvement we made in our lives. Perhaps it was too cruel a contrast.

This tendency to view others’ good fortune with disdain might be trickling down to children as well.

A recent study from the American Academy of Pediatrics suggests that depression has gone up in young people. According to this study, Facebook status updates filled with accomplishments, vacation pictures, and other signs of happiness, trigger resentment in those who believe they can’t measure up.

Where are we as a people if our kids see joy in their friends’ lives and react with bouts of sadness and depression?

Schaudenfreude, the pleasure derived from the misfortune of others, is getting stronger and more commonplace. It certainly explains the success of reality television and Mad Men. How can we not feel better about ourselves after watching others behaving badly and looking ridiculous? But we shouldn’t get too comfortable mired down in misery. I’m the first person to make lasagna for someone who needs some help during a particularly rough time, but I want to hear about the good news, too. Let’s learn how to applaud again.