People say it’s hard to make friends as we get older. Nonsense. It might be harder to *like* people as we get older. I mean, everyone is so opinionated and there’s all the shouting.

We really should be able to make friends as easily at this age as we did when we were ten. For one thing, we know how to properly brush our teeth now. That alone makes talking to people a more pleasant activity.

Every year, I manage to add to my ever-growing list of loved ones. And the people I’ve been friends with all along? I’m only more attached to them. With two exceptions, I’m connected to everyone that’s ever been supremely important in my life.

Who are those two exceptions? You’ll have to buy the book.

But let me say this – at the beginning of every new relationship, I never make the first move. It’s psychologically impossible for me to approach someone for the first time, in any way, shape or form. And I’m the same when ending a relationship. I’m inept at walking away and find my feet won’t work when I try to run.

That’s when I usually stop wearing deodorant and ignore personal boundaries.

But in each of the aforementioned two instances, my friend turned mean and cruel. I put up with it as long as I could and finally asked him or her to stop, explaining my need for love and support. The answer was no, both times, so I let them walk away. It’s as simple, and as heartbreaking, as that.

I’ve been told I’m lucky it only happened twice.

So, yes, I have overflowing armfuls of cherished friends, very few un-success stories, and the ability to find something to like in everyone, even that guy who listens to Maroon 5. But there are a few types that, in the name of good mental health, we shouldn’t add to our rolodex. As middle age comes at us, with an AARP membership form in one hand and a Botox needle in the other, we need good friends to help cushion the blows.

But let’s not be desperate and reach for just anyone.

For example, take a good look at an acquaintance and ask yourself, “What would happen if I bent over to pick up a penny and accidentally farted?”

Think about that for a minute.

We don’t really want to fart in front of our friends and we certainly don’t want them farting in front of us, especially if they like pork chops, but we should be the kind of person who handles an unexpected toot properly. And that’s what we should be looking for in others as well.

In other words, choose compassionate friends. Non-judgmental types. They should definitely have a sense of humor and maybe a diminishing sense of smell wouldn’t hurt. As we get older, chances are, at some point, we’re going to let one loose. We should connect with loved ones who understand, pretend not to hear, or laugh and hit the fan.

Don’t bother with someone who won’t shut up about his or her perfect life, spouse, and children. Mostly because those whack jobs are always full of shit.

You know the type. She talks up her man and his dynamic conversational style. Meanwhile everyone in town knows he has the personality of a wall, painted eggshell white. That guy who insists his wife is perfect? She is hooked on Oxycontin and Canasta. Their kids are borderline retarded and the dog smells worse than a stadium full of Chicago Bears fans.

Avoid direct eye contact with these people. They are convincing no one except themselves and make lousy Secret Santas every year, besides.

I also stay away from people who refuse to put forth an effort at camaraderie. They obviously don’t enjoy being out with the girls, if they can’t at least attempt to find something to like about Sex and the City 2.

Listen, I don’t have many “My man is the worst” stories, not compared to some of my friends. When we go around the table and they start in with examples ranging from insensitivities during pregnancy (“Move your belly, Louise, I can’t see the game!”) to a fondness for illegal erotica, I am always sure to add something. Even if it’s a lame, “I hate it when my man leaves chewing gum wrappers all over my car the day after he cleans it.” That’s my way of chiming in.

Expect nothing less from a future friend.

Try to filter out poor listeners. Even when most of us ramble, we stop every once in a while and say, “So, how are you?” And then we pay attention, nod appropriately, and pause a moment before one-upping them. All we are asking for is the same in return.

And how about people who don’t tell you when you have something in your teeth or hanging out the side of your nose? If I finish dinner with a pal and then look in the mirror and see what looks like an entire sandwich on my upper lip, I know that’s the end of that.

Now that I’ve finished this post, I just got a phone call from the above-mentioned woman and turns out, she needs glasses. So perhaps all of these examples of friends to avoid, might really be friends to keep, if it turns out they were dealing with a bad day or perhaps astigmatism.

In fact, one of these keepers might be someone who would loan you a baking dish when you need it the most or run into you at happy hour and buy a round or two. I’ve even been known to stay friends with a poor listener because he complimented my kids…

So really, what do I know…and who bends over for anything less than a dollar anyway?