Can’t we fine someone for being a jackass?

Often I have to tell my children that it’s not okay to do something, which is fine because they are only ten. For example, the other day I had to tell them it’s not okay to:

- Argue with mommy just because you’re getting the summertime blues.

- Argue with mommy over sneakers, healthy snacks, and earlier bedtimes.

- Argue with mommy over everything under the sun.

- Argue with mommy for five straight hours and then expect to swim, have fun, or live.

You get my point.

What I find truly amazing is how many times I have to say, “That’s not okay” to fellow grown-ups.

You’d think people over the age of thirty, forty, or fifty would know better, but they don’t. So, for all the jackasses out there, please be advised that it’s not okay to…

- Clip your nails during a business meeting.

- Accept someone’s notice and then fire them three days later so you don’t have to pay compensation.

- Wear tight turtlenecks when you’re male, near seventy, and easily a C cup.

- Pick your teeth outside the bathroom.

- Show cruelty toward a friend because kindness is “enabling.”

- Rub a pregnant woman’s belly when you don’t know her.

- Blow your nose in a restaurant.

- Take so much Oxycontin you think playing with your penis in public is appropriate.

- Arrest someone who should really be congratulated.

- Doubt the integrity of a man who has a heart of gold. (Even though it adds to the list of reasons why we’re here instead of there.)

- Let your dog shit in our yard.

- Stop using birth control if you’re a Jersey Shore fan.

- Believe Fox News. About anything.

- Fuck with a tired, beleaguered mother after her kids done snatched her last nerve. Because she will hire a lawyer and then blog about it. Guaranteed.