How to get along with your parents when they lose their hearing so you won’t lose your mind

Dad handed me a brochure.

“Improving communication with the hearing impaired,” I read the title out loud. “This isn’t going to suggest I watch Wheel of Fortune so we have something to talk about during happy hour, is it?”

“My doctor said I should let the family read it.” He tapped his ears. “I have mild hearing loss in my right ear and moderate loss in my left.”

“That explains your interest in Ronnie Milsap.” I looked at the document and skimmed through the list of tips.

I understand this list, written by qualified physicians, is designed to help. They obviously want their patients and patients’ families to get through dinner without killing anyone.

But it doesn’t go nearly as far as it should. As the oldest daughter of a couple who can’t hear anything unless it’s shouted into a microphone and blasted through speakers in surround sound, I am reprinting their suggestions here with my additions in bold.

This is how you improve communication with people who hear just fine down at the Legion, but not during dinner with six relatives who talk at the same time while Law & Order is on.

1. Get the attention of the hearing impaired person before you speak. Grab his remote control. That ought to do it. If you want my mom’s attention, make marinara sauce in the “pasta” pot while boiling tortellini in the “tomato” pot. This is more effective than cursing. But you might want to have a defibrillator close by.

2. Do not shout; shouting distorts your voice. Besides, they’ll still ignore you. Try not to tap them on the shoulder or poke them in the belly either. Senior citizens have died this way. Especially while napping during the rosary show on EWTN.

3. Speak just a little slower. Do not speak fast. This means you can forget about lengthy anecdotes, in-depth political analyses, and plot-line discussions of anything longer than a television episode. Seriously. You lost them at the fourteenth “And then.”

4. Come within a distance of 3 to 7 feet from the listener. The more hard-of-hearing the person, the closer proximity may be needed. Hopefully you don’t mind the smell of Ben-gay, Old Spice and garlic.

5. The listener should be able to see your face clearly as you speak. That way she can constantly remind you to stop wrinkling your forehead because “why look the part?”

6. Speak clearly; do not exaggerate mouth and lip movements. They will think you are mocking them. Trust me.

7. Do not cover your mouth, chew, or turn away while speaking. Dad will accuse you of talking about him, like the Vietnamese where he drops off his dry cleaning.

8. Rephrase, rather than repeat the exact same words. Adults are, in many ways, a lot like kids. If they hear the same things over and again, they tune out. Instead of asking them for the 900th time to close every goddamn cupboard in the kitchen before they put an eye out, threaten litigation. It works.

9. Reduce the background noise while speaking. Send your kids to bed. Get some oil for that squeaking ceiling fan. Turn off the three televisions and two iPods they’ve forgotten about. Maybe then you can get a word in edgewise.

10. Write the message, or key words, for better understanding. I don’t agree with this one. Five minutes spent squinting at whatever you wrote and another ten trying to find eyeglasses just to read it? Doesn’t seem worth it. What hemorrhoid cream do they recommend? Google that shit. It’s quicker.

11. Hearing impaired persons may not hear and understand as well when tired, ill, or lying down. No kidding. That cuts into most of their day. For meaningful conversation, get them at 5am, after the coffee hits but before they begin the crossword puzzle. Otherwise, you can forget about it.

12. Be patient with the hearing impaired person. Dad suggests everyone read this several times. He’s right. Especially after we all get on Skype with out-of-town relatives. No matter how many times we explain modern technology, my parents still believe shouting is acceptable because my brother is, after all, in Philadelphia.

13. Ask the hearing impaired person if he/she can hear and understand you; if not, ask what you could do to improve communication. Then sit down and prepare yourself for a lecture about gratitude and how a trip to mass every once in a while wouldn’t hurt.

14. Ask the hearing impaired person to repeat what he/she heard; this is important to confirm that the message was understood. This will remind everyone of family therapy sessions in the 80s when no one could deal with your hair or blue eyeshadow. Worked about as well back then.

15. Be aware that a person with a hearing aid continues to benefit from all the above suggestions. You’ll just have to live with high-pitched tones that hurt your teeth and cause every dog in the neighborhood to howl or moan.

Dad isn’t the only one with helpful doctors. Mom just got instructions on how to help her feet. She purchased expensive sneakers and one doctor recommended a strengthening exercise with a belt before she gets out of bed each morning.

“So if you see a belt around my bedpost, don’t get the wrong idea,” she said, in Carrabba’s, way louder than the law allows. “That belt is helping me walk without a limp. We aren’t doing anything kinky or perverted with it.”

Then she asked the waiter to do something about the light because who can read this menu in the dark with aging eyes?

Great. I can’t wait for that list.

Tags: aging and hearing impaired, hearing impaired, parents lose their hearing