No sex please, unless you’ve earned it

Camille Paglia’s op-ed for The New York Times last week made me laugh. While entertaining and a great way to learn new words for grad school, her column is nonetheless way off track.

I agree with Paglia that most women suffering from low libidos don’t need a Viagra-like pill; however, we disagree on a) why that elusive sex drive went away and b) how to get it back. Paglia believes the reasons for a decrease in desire are rooted in middle-class history, upbringing, and culture.

Nonsense. The reasons instead are rooted in a society that, across the board, wants easy answers from the comfort of their couches. We pop pills to lose weight instead of exercising, we blame musicians for our kids’ bad behavior instead of ourselves and now believe that something as complex as a woman’s sexuality can be easily influenced by beer commercials and Everybody Loves Raymond.

For a rich, Ivy-league educated woman, who’s never been a middle class wife or mother, she sure does pretend to know a lot about us. Her ramblings are akin to priests acting as marriage counselors. Those who lack real-world knowledge or experience mustn’t be completely disregarded, but let’s take their more outlandish views with a grain of salt.

Since I am a middle-class wife and mother, looking at my forties with a magnifying mirror in one hand and a Cosmopolitan in the other, and with a healthy sex drive, I am in a perfect position to offer a rebuttal.

Despite what Paglia has learned while perusing Parenting magazines in her accountant’s office, a lack of sex drive isn’t just the problem of white upper middle-class moms. In every demographic, there are women who enjoy sex and women who would rather soak their feet. The reasons for both attitudes are remarkably similar.

But first, let’s take her points one at a time.

“In the discreet white-collar realm, men and women are interchangeable, doing the same, mind-based work.” When was the last time Paglia walked through a modern-day business setting? Men and women don’t even decorate their cubicles the same way. Male leaders are like bulls, sniffing around each other and competing for everything. Females, on the other hand, are controlling and see assertion as a thinly-veiled career threat. Mind-based work is never done the same because men and women don’t think along the same lines. This makes her theory null and void.

She suggests that men respond to a lack of interest from their wives by neutering themselves. We don’t have to look any further than our politicians to see that’s not true. Men don’t embrace chastity. They find comfort elsewhere or take up an interest in porn and then find comfort elsewhere.

“Meanwhile, family life has put middle-class men in a bind; they are simply cogs in a domestic machine commanded by women.” She’s been watching too many sitcoms, where the story line is often “Boob Husband, Solid Wife.” Some of this is justified. Dealing with the pressures of work both outside and inside the home, women are required to juggle more balls while men have their hands full with just the two between their legs. The idea of a man being dragged along as a cog is laughable. Married men live longer, suffer fewer episodes of depression, and don’t ever have to pick up dirty clothes. Studies consistently show they are happier than single men.

According to Paglia, Hollywood movies have changed. She’s right about that. Black people get to play characters other than slaves now. Sex scenes are different, too. We’ve evolved, so it takes more to turn us on. She laments the lack of mystery between the sexes, saying we simply know too much about each other. She sounds like my mom whenever a feminine hygiene commercial comes on.

“Men don’t need to hear about the importance of a maxi-pad with wings!”

“Country music,” Paglia writes, “with its history in the rural South and Southwest, is still filled with blazingly raunchy scenarios, where the sexes remain dynamically polarized in the old-fashioned way.” Yes, visit any domestic violence shelter in the rural south and you’ll find the handy work of tobacco-spitting Toby Keith fans who wish we could all go back to the days when ladies knew their place. Old-fashioned values. Right.

Paglia, ever the social critic, continues, “Madonna’s dance-track acolyte, Lady Gaga, with her compulsive overkill, is a high-concept fabrication without an ounce of genuine eroticism.” Okay. She’s spot on about that.

But blaming a lack of sex drive on “culture driven and drained by middle-class values” is too easy. There are real reasons why women don’t want boom-boom in their zoom-zoom.

If you are a man and getting laid once or twice a quarter, don’t blame your demographic or exposure to tampon commercials.

You might just be a lazy fuck or a lousy one.

Let’s deal with laziness first. Do you spend most of your time on your ass in front of the television? Instead, you should look around. There is always something to clean or burp. The best foreplay involves your fingers wrapped gently around an iron or maybe a dust rag.

Turn off the computer and television. Put the Blackberry and iPhone away. Take her out at least once a week and act like you’re interested in the plotline of Desperate Housewives. If you put half the effort into your family as you do your career, she’d be more likely to blow you.

Chew with your mouth closed, do something about those ear hairs, and make eye contact every single day.

Next, let’s deal with those of you who are lousy in bed. I attend girls’ nights out and listen more to your women than you do. They share powerful secrets.

Men who can snap off a bra in five seconds tend to attack the clitoris like a carburetor. Yes, we love that tongue-tapping action, but your cock isn’t supposed to be thrust up our vaginas like we’re Sasha Grey. Jesus Christ, will you relax and say something romantic? This is supposed to be enjoyable. Stop acting like 11pm is a deadline with a quarterly bonus hanging in the balance. No one can reach orgasm under such pressure.

You say you’re attentive, kind, and pitching in around the house? You actually listen to her in the bedroom? If that’s the case, put your little lady on the line.

I’ll wait.

To all the frigid wives out there, listen to me and listen to me good: give that man the love and affection he deserves. How often are you on Facebook or hovered over those goddamn scrapbooks? Put the Tea Party literature down. Close the fucking Bible. Summon him to the laundry room, lock the door, and bend over.

For Christ’s sake, look like you’re enjoying yourself.

When I espouse this opinion during gatherings with my girls, I hear some common complaints.

“I’m not enjoying myself.”

This might not be your man’s problem. Too many females aren’t acquainted with their own bodies. If you don’t know how to make yourselves rattle and hum, how is he supposed to figure it out?

Buy a vibrator and investigate. Once you’ve determined you are not defective, get in there and have a good time. Give him a tour and use your words. Tell him what to do. It took years to train him to lower the toilet seat and drive within the speed limit, so practice patience and learn him how you like it in the hoo-ha. My friend Cathy has a point, “Roll around in his masculinity for a while.” It’ll do you both some good.

Besides, if he thinks he’ll get the ride of his life in the bedroom, he’s more likely to finish that honey-do list. Then you both win.

Innovation and strength of spirit gave rise to our vibrant middle-class culture. It’s not to blame for a low libido, but instead holds the solution. That same innovation and spirit, properly applied, can turn us all on better than a pill. The clues are everywhere and the solutions are within reach. You just have to know where to look.

And it starts by getting off the couch.

Tags: Camille Paglia, Camille Paglia's op-ed for The New York Times, No sex please we're middle class, The New York Times