Theology for kids

I love it when my children ask questions which indicate something is going on upstairs other than concern over what I’m serving for dinner. I just wish they’d wait until after I get off the phone before hitting me with the really important issues.

“Is God Christian?” Youngest asked.

I looked around the kitchen, empty except for my two children and me. Damn.

“Miguel, let me call you back. I won’t charge you for what we don’t say.” I hung up, looked at my children and smiled. “I’m not sure loves. God sort of represents everyone and we aren’t all Christian.”

“So he’s half-Christian and half-Jewish,” Oldest reasoned.

I doubt it. No way would a half-Christian, half-Jewish deity ever think up something like curry.

“What about Muslims, Hindus and Taoists?” I asked. “Doesn’t God represent them too?”

Youngest smiled.

“Remember Mahdi? He’s Muslim and was my best friend in Kindergarten. So God’s Muslim, Hindu, Tao, Christian and Jewish.”

“That would explain flea markets,” I said. “But what about Buddhists? There’s some truth there as well.”

Both kids looked confused.

“I almost forgot about them,” Oldest said.

“Listen, let’s just concentrate on life,” I said, “and when we die and meet the Big Guy, perhaps then we’ll get answers.”

I personally intend to find out what God was thinking the day Justin Bieber’s parents had unprotected sex.

“Is that what happens when we die?” Youngest asked. “We go to heaven?”

Christ. I need a drink.

“Again, I’m not really sure,” I said. “Maybe we go to heaven. Lots of people believe that’s what happens if we’re good. Other people believe in reincarnation. If we’re terrific during our time here on earth, we might come back as superstars or something.”

“And what if we aren’t terrific? What if we don’t rock?”

“Then we come back as Republicans,” I said. “Or Methodists.”

Both kids laugh. I know. Mommy’s crazy.

“I’d rather come back as a superstar,” Oldest said.

“Me too,” I said. “So we better rock.”

“Mommy,” Youngest said, “why did God make us? And if we die and come back then we won’t get these answers for a long time.”

I silently prayed for a seizure. Let’s face it, I could use the rest.

“I think we’re here to love and be loved. Make the world a better place. And I’m sure the mysteries of the universe will unfold in due time,” I said after it became clear that I wasn’t going to pass out, no matter how hard I tried.

Silence.

I continued.

“Guys, I don’t really have the answers. I’m trying to figure it all out, too. And to be quite honest with you, how can I explain heaven when the DVR remains a mystery?”

Both kids laughed again. I know. Mommy’s crazy.