16 ways to enjoy a high school reunion

This past weekend, Husband and I attended another one of those “let’s get together and reminisce about a time when we could bend down and touch our toes” events. Reunions are tricky, I tend to avoid mine, but this particular crew of groovy graduates is terrific. They love my husband and don’t seem to mind incredibly large foreheads. I can count five different conversations on Saturday alone that didn’t involve the World Cup or vuvuzelas.

That’s right. There is no downside.

Of course, getting together with people who remember when your hair was bigger than your ego sometimes requires tolerance, a sense of humor, and tequila. But it can be worth it.

Here’s how we professionals do it.

1. Casual dress means casual dress. Leave see-through sequined gowns and hot pants in the closet. I’m looking at you, Esteban.

2. Learn to tolerate country music. Something happens when you hit forty. Suddenly you can relate to people who store tobacco in their bottom lip and attend Oak Ridge Boys concerts. I don’t mean to suggest that the twangs and stench are enjoyable, but if one or two cowboys can be found with original teeth and a brain cell, don’t consider the night a total loss.

3. Smile and take deep breaths. My favorite memory from the reunion involves an old friend we hadn’t seen in years. After admitting that he enjoyed my writing, Marty* said, with all sincerity, “Your husband was always my funniest friend. I guess after twenty-two years, it rubbed off on you and now you’re funny too.” Right. I’m funny because of the man I married. Why didn’t my talent for lowering the toilet seat rub off on him?

4. Never lip synch to Free Bird, Electric Avenue, or Blinded by the Light. But if you must, at least pull that shirt OVER your belly before you begin. Thanks.

5. Feign amnesia, a lot. This will save you on more than a few occasions. Molly’s husband introduced her to one of his buddies. His buddy just happened to be Molly’s high school boyfriend. If you find yourself face-to-face with a blast from the past, who was never necessarily a blast, just smile, admit the guy looks vaguely familiar, and move on. After all, we are at that age where we can believably forget just about everyone. Even the guy who gave us crabs.

6. Bring a camera. You’ll want evidence of the former homecoming queen/current born-again Christian’s reaction when she discovers her ex-husband Alan is now Alanna with perkier breasts than their teenage daughter. Trust me. Good times.

7. Pretend to be a priest. For some reason, people drink a few cocktails and feel the need to confess. Diane ran into Frank on the dance floor. He told Diane that when her family would go out of town back in the early 1980s, he would sneak into her bedroom and smell her underwear. What better way to handle this revelation than to cross yourself and say some sort of prayer?

8. Keep it simple. When people you hardly know, and can barely remember, begin to talk to you about the moment they found the Lord, you can reasonably respond in one of three ways:

“Oh, bless your heart.”

“This cover band sounds just like Loverboy!”

Or you can simply nod and smile, saying nothing. Whatever works.

9. Avoid eye contact. With everyone.

10. Pick one graduate who wasn’t able to make it. Make a large copy of his or her picture, paste it to a piece of cardboard, and glue the cardboard to a yard stick. Carry him or her around all night, especially during group photos or as a prop in the hands of whoever passes out. You can even use the picture if you get bored and need someone who will just listen. ‘Cause shut the fuck up. That’s why.

11. Belly in, shoulders back, and chest out – it’s almost over.

12. Leave the kids at home. Yes, we’re all impressed you managed to get someone to sleep with you and a real live human being came out instead of a satyr. Junior is a source of pride and we’re all thrilled with his 45 Silly Bands. I get it. But no one thinks he’s as cute as you do and when your drunk-ass forgets to keep an eye on him during the alumni picnic, no one will laugh about the assault charges that follow. Keep him and the rest of your animals at home.

13. Halfway through the night, switch to water. You stopped talking to these people for a reason. Too much alcohol encourages the wrong kind of amnesia. After all, you want to remember that Woody was the one who gave you warts. And no matter how much his 401K is worth, that virus is still clinging to his penis like the homecoming queen did back in ’85. Just say no.

14. Two words: breath mints. ‘Nuff said.

15. Think before you speak. At multi-year reunions, avoid judgmental or declarative statements about bald spots, man boobs, and Botox.

16. Lighten up Francis. No one cares about your birthmarks or body hair. We’ve completely forgotten how your wife flashed everyone at the last reunion.

See you in another ten!