Things I’ve learned from my Irish Catholic relatives

First of all, I recognize the redundancy of the title. One of the first things I learned was that if you’re Irish, you’re Catholic. Protestants are of British descent. And you’re supposed to say that with a very sad look, as if you pity the poor limey bastard.

What about Irish Jews and Buddhists and atheists? They get plenty of pity, too, but for entirely different reasons.

Regardless, and despite the inherent trickery of some of these beliefs, or the fact that a few originate from the Greeks, I’ve learned more from my Irish family than from school or books or Oprah. Their wisdom and knowledge float through my heart, mind and soul. Their lessons color the lens through which I view the world.

And they are at least partly to blame for my stubborn streak and periodic panic attacks.

Such lessons break down into two categories: Philosophies and Sayings, which really form a complete way of being. I can’t possibly list them all, but here a few of my favorites and the ones least likely to cause severe emotional damage.

Philosophies

The recent environmental catastrophes are because of abortions. Really. Isn’t everything?

Alcohol helps toddlers deal with new teeth and helps parents deal with toddlers. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.

Episcopalians need our prayers. Really. Doesn’t everyone?

The D in D-Day stands for Durkin. Don’t get us started!

Boozy breakfasts are perfectly acceptable. Two words: beer pancakes.

Crimes committed in the 1960s are a terrific topic to discuss at a party with the kids. They gotta learn sometime.

The goddamn Mexicans in North Carolina are out of control. The best response: smile, take a sip of wine, and say, “Only in North Carolina Uncle Barry?”

Better to marry a black man or a Jew than an Italian. Them cats is crazy!

The following animals smell fear and therefore you should always avoid direct eye contact: Rottweilers, brown bears protecting their young, and cousins from Windsor. Seriously. Sonia will cut you.

“Send money” is the best way to end a letter or email. Thoughts are nice, but it’s the gift that counts.

Audible digestion is good manners, goddamn it. It ain’t nice, if you don’t taste twice.

Sayings

Where ignorance predominates, there is no chance for decency. Grandpa used to say this all the time. Can you tell that he was the only one not drinking?

Put a broom up me arse so I can sweep as I go along. This is typically uttered by an overworked mother and wife while she cooks dinner, helps with homework, unloads the dishwasher, and answers hate mail right after the phone rings and a suicidal friend needs to be talked off a ledge.

Oh, you’re a shitty article. = You suck.

If she can sleep with him, we can eat with him. Every family has at least one member who brings home an ass. You may have to put up with him for the next 40 years, so learn it, know it, live it.

You can’t win a battle of the wits with someone who is unarmed. Right. Cause “You can’t win a pissing contest with a prick” is rude.

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story. I’m Irish and a storyteller. ‘Nuff said.

They come by it honestly. This is usually said by older relatives when I’m talking about my kids and their stubborn, willful, and opinionated antics. It means something akin to, “Paybacks are hell.”

Too bad about you. (Said with a northeastern Pennsylvania accent, it sounds more like “toobadaboucha.”) This is said to a kid who doesn’t want to apologize, return the stolen bubble gum, or go to confession.

Be the hush. Right. Cause “Shut the fuck up” is rude.

I don’t know the hell. Really. Who does?

Fight nice. – Because you’d hate to see us fight mean.

Go shite in your shoe. The preferred response to a kid who says, “There’s nothing to do.”

Laughing only encourages her. Amen. So keep it up.