Modern v. old-fashioned parenting

After hearing stories this past week about how my relatives were raised during the 1940s and 1950s, I’m surprised my grandparents and their contemporaries were never brought up on charges.

The fact that they weren’t featured in a movie-of-the-week or some best-selling memoir must mean that their parenting styles were accepted and even appreciated.

Their kids, our parents, certainly turned out normal.

Maybe “normal” is stretching it. What I mean to say is, they aren’t in jail and have no noticeable nervous ticks.

They speak about their experiences with a shrug and lots of laughter. My grandparents were a tough old breed, deeply and profoundly loved by the children and grandchildren they left behind.

Yet, the way we are raising our kids today doesn’t at all resemble the way my older relatives did the deed. Not one bit. I’m not saying that’s good or bad. But as I think about the challenges we, as parents, face – I can’t help, but wonder: What would Grandma do?

1. Challenge: Toddler teething issues.

Then: Pour a shot glass full of whiskey. Dip finger in liquid and rub on baby’s gums. Drink the rest. Repeat.
Now: Spend at least two hundred dollars on chewable toys and medicine for swollen gums. Join a class-action lawsuit against the manufacturers when they announce that chemicals in both the toys and drugs could kill a cow.

2. Challenge: Kids won’t go to bed on time.

Then: Tie kids to the bed with twine and place pillows over heads to muffle screams. Sit on porch with neighbors and enjoy talking to grownups.
Now: Utilize logic, reasoning, and “disappointed face.” Give second and third chance before finally taking away favorite CDs. Clock strikes midnight. Kids start snoring, begin drinking – alone.

3. Challenge: Kid nearly drowns in the river.

Then: Return a week after near-drowning, explain there’s no fear in this family, and throw him back in the water. Loudly warn of floating tree trunks.
Now: Begin family therapy and allow the child time to heal. Sue Parks and Recreation for negligence due to ineffective warning signs and/or lifeguards.

4. Challenge: Pre-teens talking back.

Then: Make them kneel in ashes spread out over newspaper in the basement. That’s right. You’re not so goddamn smart anymore, now are you?
Now: See #2.

5. Challenge: Teenager leaves homework assignment at school.

Then: Direct them to complete every chore until house is spotless or their hands bleed. Whichever comes first.
Now: Google that shit. What kind of teacher doesn’t list assignments on-line?