How to be a good neighbor

Recently, my sister and I were discussing a matter of universal importance, even more important than that eternal quest for attention during football season or the ingredients of the 7-Layer Burrito at Taco Bell.

I’m talking about good neighbors. Who are they? How did they get to be so good? Why don’t more of them live near us?

Actually, I’m lucky. My neighbors have always been delightful. Whether we’re talking about the Italians in Boston who knew I was pregnant before I did and asked the moon to protect us or that lovely lady in Wesley Chapel who introduced me to her good friend Dave Andreychuk – I have lived near and around gems.

But back in the day, neighbors used to really know each other. They would sit on the front porch and watch people go by, stopping to chat with friends and catch up on the goings-on about town.

That was also an era when women wore girdles and were encouraged to listen first, talk never. But still, that neighborly thing was nice and comforting. When I was a kid, we felt like the people who shared our street were looking out for us.

After all, just because we got rid of the restrictive undergarments, doesn’t mean we have to stop knowing each other. Maybe we just have to adopt a more modern view of what it means to be a good neighbor.

My sister sums it up nicely. A perfect neighbor is someone who:

- shovels the walkway when Man of the House is away or Oprah is on,

- cooks a meal or watches the kids in an emergency,

- watches the house during your annual vacation without selling alarm code to highest bidder,

- shows genuine concern and interest, even if you are talking nonsense,

- loans their ladder without asking for a deposit,

- offers expertise, especially when it concerns toilets,

- and throws a party, with open bar, every 5th, 10th, and 20th day of the month.

Okay, some of those were my ideas.

My friends added their own special needs to the list.

Stewart thinks a good neighbor would definitely help dispose of a body and keep quiet about it. Where you gonna find that guy outside New York and a few neighborhoods in Jersey?

Clark is easy to please. His perfect neighbor has high fences.

Cathy’s a tough one. She wants the kind of neighbor who:

- thinks the Beastie Boys sound better with more bass,

- observes the 4-ft., purple, ceramic frog in the front yard as being “kitschy,”

- brings over garlic cheesesticks, “just because,”

- regularly sends over sixteen year-old son to wash car because it makes him “well-rounded.”

After hearing everyone’s input, and after living in Pasco County and now North Tampa, as well as Colorado Springs, and the North End of Boston, I only have a few things to add. I want a neighbor who is all of the above and:

- Shoots those pesky squirrels *after* the kids leave for school.

- Picks up mail when we’re away, without judging me for LoveToys ‘R Us deliveries.

- Offers stellar WiFi with an easy-to-figure-out password.

- Never shows up unannounced or uninvited. That is, unless they’re all, “I just came into a lot of money and would like to give some of it to you.”

- Always says “thank you” with a bottle of wine.

Come to think of it, maybe I should just settle for someone who likes the Beastie Boys.