When family rides out a storm together, that’s when the wind really starts to blow.

This winter, including these last few days, many families are finding themselves snowed in. Mother Nature doesn’t really care if you’ve got a house full of complaining children who can’t find anything good on television. I’m hearing from plenty of women who want to know how to entertain kids during the 29th snow day this year after they’ve run out of glue, colored pencils, and patience. Other friends are deluged with relatives who can’t leave because the planes are grounded or perhaps because the power or Internet connections back home aren’t working.

When the house is that full, there often isn’t enough wine to go around.

Tough times and all.

Although I live in the South, I am experienced in the art of taking in relatives from hurricane-stricken areas (read: Refu-Jews) and kids stuck in the house because the wind outside is strong enough to mess Mommy’s hair (read: pretty f*cking strong.)

Here’s my best advice for dealing with relatives who can’t or won’t leave your side until the sun comes out again:

Make plenty of room in the refrigerator. Insulin and dead animals gotta go somewhere. And let’s face it, your ninety year-old uncle’s digestive track cannot tolerate two things – liberal politics and tofu. So tell your organic veggies to shove over.

Insist your kids write down every question they have before asking it. During the nightly review, preferably in their room with the door closed, be prepared to answer inquiries such as “Why does Grandma walk so slow?” and “Does ‘old’ mean they’re going to die soon?” This is a whole lot better than letting them blurt out embarrassing observations during dinner.

Drink a shot every time your parents bring the discussion back to themselves. Extra points (and drinks) when you make a challenging statement like, “My ass is killing me.” If anyone over sixty responds with something like, “Oh, don’t get me started, darling, once my sphincter was in such turmoil…” you get an entire six-pack.

Forget about using your phone. When electricity is out in South Florida, and suddenly we have visitors, our land line rings like we’re in a newsroom. At least six calls an hour come in from Condo Commandants who give everyone the real story: “The governor hates Broward County because we’re Jews and Democrats. Hispanics in Miami? They get the lights!”

Stop dieting. If you spend any time looking for nutritional value in daily meals of potato pancakes, blintzes, sour cream and jelly, you are going to run out of Xanax before noon. Ever suggest broccoli to a bunch of senior citizens? It’s a wonder I’m still alive.

Here’s what you should do with kids during extended indoor periods of time:

Breathe. Kids are made to annoy and provoke. It’s in their DNA. I know you had every intention of sticking to your No-Television-During-the-Week-and-Only-an-Hour-on-Weekends Rule, but lighten up, Francis. A few hours of Hannah Montana won’t kill anyone.

Hand them your collection of Beatles CDs and tell them to bugger off until they can properly explain the evolution of John Lennon’s state of mind throughout the Sixties.

Put some cotton in your ears, turn on Rock Band, sit back and try not to enjoy yourself.

Start a snowball fight. If your little miracles have snatched your last nerve, make it a war.

There. That ought to do it.