Would you rather sit through a root canal or family portrait?

Siblings and I were recently in the same five-mile radius for more than ten minutes. Sister thought it might be fun to commemorate the event with family portraits.

At first, I kept thinking, “It’s hard enough to get us all together, you want us to invade each other’s personal space, look in the same direction and smile?”

The photo shoot took place at University of Tampa. Minarets, stately oaks, and ornate doorways should have provided a beautiful backdrop for our smiling faces. Who knew Tampa Bay would experience a record cold spell that weekend? We all arrived looking like Russian peasants ready for a road trip to Siberia.

“I like how your parka matches your eyes,” I told Sister-in-law through two scarves and a dickey.

At first, we only knew what we didn’t want: No beach pictures. I can’t possibly smile with sand up my ass and Husband is convinced those seagulls are out to get him. I also didn’t want matching outfits. Then Youngest begged to wear his favorite basketball jersey with two holes in the elbows.

“Blue shirts with jeans,” I announced.

As we took off our winter gear and tried not to shiver, I looked around. Who were these people? No matter the personality of each family member going in, once the photographer starts clicking, everyone morphs into a different character.

Meet:

Annoyed – He’s told you from the very beginning, there’s no way any photographer is going to get his daughter to stop picking her nose. He’s done after ten minutes. When looking through the proofs, he complains about blemishes and sends the check in two months late. Only when you get to the bank, do you realize he wrote “For shit pictures.”

Special Needs – Call it lack of sleep or interest, this dude can’t smile without looking like he needs his meds increased and not a single proof shows him looking at the camera.

Too Happy – She needs to calm down. Her chipper and positive attitude pisses everyone off.

Bored – He smiles on cue, but isn’t really interested. Afterward he asks for signed waivers so portraits are never released to the public. Blames stodgy attitude on successful career. Leaves everyone else feeling like losers.

Rebel – She won’t comb her hair and chooses a blouse that shows off latest tattoo. You’ll view several proofs without realizing she’s in the back flashing gang signs that could get you all killed in certain parts of California and New York. She’s great.

Apathetic – Whatever. He doesn’t even really like you people.

Bloated – Too much guacamole or that time of the month. Either way, the rest of you are gonna leave with cramps.

Kids aren’t off the hook. We got:

Sleeper – He slouches and drools through entire event, including the fight over flash v. natural lighting. Finally wakes up and smiles when you get home and open bottle of scotch.

Crier/Screamer – Kid isn’t interested in silly faces, songs, bouncing, or threats. Raises hell until someone gives back her bottle and favorite Barney toy. She doesn’t give a shit about color schemes.

Stoned – Too much Benadryl. Way to go, Mom.

Happy, Happy – Apple of daddy’s eye. Until you realize it’s gas. Then no one can breathe properly for rest of the day.

Asshole – Won’t smile. Thinks you all look ridiculous. When photographer asks for parental guidance, everyone pretends he was picked up in the street.

I would name names and post outtakes, but between me and you, Rebel and Asshole could cut a bitch.

And I got enough troubles.

Tags: family pictures, family portraits