When family comes together, why do I suddenly fall apart?

This past weekend in North Tampa, if you listened carefully, you could hear animals whimpering the way they do when a hurricane is coming or when a tree is about to fall on their head or when several generations crowd themselves into a 3 bedroom/2 bath, 1800 square-foot house in the name of family togetherness.

My niece was christened and relatives flew in from all over the country to attend. Apparently getting to third base with airport security wasn’t uncomfortable enough. (One female relative did refer to the pat-down as more foreplay than she’d had in fifteen years.) A few stayed with us, but most decided round-the-clock television and endless supply of Pinot Noir offered at my parents’ house was a better deal.

Thank God.

They crammed into that little abode, which can barely hold Mom, Dad, and their collection of old lottery tickets; and I couldn’t help but wonder who would get the remote. At one point, while sitting on the couch drinking a Cosmopolitan and imagining my happy place, I counted fifteen people who shared my facial features and attitude – five children, four senior citizens, and the rest of us were simply confused. I felt sorry for us more than anyone, lodged between those who won’t listen and those who can’t hear.

Made for interesting conversations.

Dad: I thought you were using those tree-huggin, hippie diapers?

Brother: We were, until six baby outfits were ruined and the dog moved out.

Dad: Get me a beer while you’re up?

Husband: I can’t hear a thing with Ice Road Truckers blasting in my ear.

Uncle: Mr. Potato Head’s earrings are floating in the toilet. I think he has something to tell us.

Sister: Those are Mrs. Potato Head’s earrings.

Mom: I just found her ears in the pork loin.

Brother-in-law: I don’t approve of my son playing with a Mrs. Potato Head. Was this your idea, Katie?

Me: I call her Ms. Potato Head. Females are not defined by marital status.

Husband: She’s definitely a Mrs. Look at her ankles.

Dad: Get me a beer while you’re up?

Sister: Someone kindly light a match and air out the bathroom. I have two toddlers to bathe.

Me: Wasn’t me, I’m on iron supplements. Haven’t taken a shit in three days.

Youngest: Mommy, you said “shit.” You owe me ten bucks.

Aunt: If you ask me, those kids are water logged. That’s not baby fat around their bellies, it’s water weight.

Brother: Enjoy the baptism, Kate? Makes you wanna come back, don’t it?

Oldest: When we were leaving the church, Daddy said, “The Jews are escaping!”

Sister: I’m pretty sure that’s a sin.

Youngest: What does your communion taste like?

Brother-in-law: Salvation.

Sister-in-law: Does anyone have any oatmeal?

Aunt: If you ask me, you should try the steel-cut variety. My Danny eats that all the time and says it’s better for you.

Brother: We don’t have fifty dollars and five hours to spend on the steel-cut variety like your Danny. Have you noticed our diaper problem?

Mom: If everyone is going to stand in the kitchen while I’m trying to cook, I’ll order take-out.

Dad: Get me a beer while you’re up?

Uncle: Sure your daughter looks like you, especially when she’s crying.

Mom: Please turn to the right and suck in your stomach. I need a cup out of that pantry.

Oldest: Nana, you haven’t spoken to me in three hours. Can everyone go home now?

Mom: Which one are you?

Sister: Mom, you changed your other granddaughter twice, but ignore when mine needs a diaper.

Mom: My other granddaughter hasn’t discovered raisins, yet.

Brother: How many boxes of wine do you need? There’s no room in the fridge for my wheat germ and milk thistle.

Brother-in-law: Why don’t we spend time like this with my family?

Sister-in-law: Everyone quiet.

Me: Do you need to put the baby down to sleep?

Sister-in-law: No. I’m trying to hear Ice Road Truckers.

Brother: Great. She really is part of the family now.