My annual newsletter

‘Tis the season for holiday cards and form letters. That’s right. Check out those cards and one or two are usually stuffed with an annoying newsletter. Some family you hardly talk to sends along an impressive list of achievements designed to catch you up. It’s filled with boring anecdotes about the family vacation in Paris, Buffy’s academic awards, Biff’s promotion, and Lovey’s boob job.

By the time you’re finished reading their long and boring year in review, you often need an enema or a drink. Maybe even both.

The Robinsons are no different.

In addition to detailing the impressive, we also review the embarrassing and humiliating. So bend over and open wide, because here comes our…

Year in Pee-Yoo for 2009

December – The family travels north, spending Christmas in Philadelphia and attending Cousin Jimmy’s wedding reception in Scranton. Husband notices a lot of bars and graves in Scranton. Catherine reminds him they’re related to most of the people in both. Oldest and Youngest offer to buy everyone in Ragnacci’s a drink with the money Uncle Joe gave them for Chanukah.

January – The boys turn nine. Mom’s too busy doing everyone’s laundry to notice. Barack Obama is sworn in as President of the United States. Dad starts drinking. Mom watches kids for an entire weekend so Catherine can go to Ft. Lauderdale with Cathy. They’re lost before leaving Tampa and rely on Julie’s 938 phone calls to get there safely.

February – Catherine helps parents organize the garage. Not easy – Mom and Dad don’t like bending unless it’s into the BarcaLounger for a Boston Legal marathon or lifting unless it’s a beer glass to toast that “noon” has finally arrived. They also don’t like to clean, organize, or part with their treasures. When Catherine loads up the Jeep with 4 tons worth of old Christmas ornaments, beach chairs, something called a “Gut Be Gone” and two closets full of ski clothes, all sized to fit two trim forty year-olds, Mom looks like she’s watching a hearse drive away with a loved one inside. But at least there’s now plenty of room for the boys’ winter clothes.

March – Catherine gets a free airline ticket and blows it on a round-trip weekend getaway to Denver. In March. Husband loses bet and drives north to meet her. Upside: Visits with niece and nephew. Downside: Have you met their parents? St. Patrick’s Day arrives; Oldest and Youngest dance for dollars (read: college tuition) at O’Brien’s Irish Pub. Uncle Jimmy visits. After sharing a bathroom with everyone, decides life at his own full house isn’t so bad.

April – Husband gets a great job and returns to Florida for good. Dad officially stops speaking to everyone. Catherine is published regularly in Creative Loafing while the boys enjoy guitar lessons and little league. Mom wonders politely if she’ll ever have a moment’s peace. Robinsons go canoeing down the Hillsborough River. Catherine doesn’t complain about sand up her ass or frizzy hair for 24 hours. Her good mood lasts until Husband starts asking about Laundry Day.

May – Due to the stress of the annual Little League tournament, Catherine starts fights with everyone in the house. She even yells “NASCAR isn’t a sport!” one night after dinner. But Dad can’t hear her over the volume, set at “Jetliner.” Mom pretends to be happy cleaning the dishes while the guys finish their third dessert.

June – Husband turns 41. Too busy driving from Tampa to Orlando and back every day to notice. Oldest ends third grade with Principal’s Honor Roll. Youngest gets High Honor Roll. Husband thrilled they take after him where it counts. The boys start summer Tae Kwon Do camp. Oldest accidentally eats a hot dog and spends half the night on the potty. Catherine slightly disappointed he doesn’t feel worse. She wants touching Mommy-Son moment discussing the ramifications of eating lips and assholes. Oh well. There’s always high school.

July – The boys earn orange belts and Robinson Family moves into their own house. Dad wakes up from coma and smiles for the first time in over a year. Mom cries at first – seen celebrating later that night. Family vacation from Los Angeles to Seattle, visiting Santa Barbara, San Francisco, and Portland as well. Highlights include Oldest mumbling, “Wow, Mom. Thanks for getting us up at 5am to visit a deserted prison where the scariest men in America shot and killed several prison guards. I especially liked the part where three of them made dummy heads before escaping through the wall.” Youngest says, “Those dummy heads scared the bejeesus out of me.” Husband: “It’s not a vacation if we don’t have nightmares for at least two months afterwards.” Catherine: “Theme parks are for pussies.”

August – Catherine, Mom, and kids pile into the Jeep and drive up to Scranton for a family reunion. Jewish kids learn the rosary from Catholic Nana whenever Catherine drives so Mom takes the wheel for most of the trip. Fun family gathering includes lectures about inappropriate humor, drunken ramblings about Broadway show tunes, and cousins’ regional accents. Happy that our boys got to know this wild and wacky bunch, an entire support system of people who’ve loved us since birth, through all the stages and phases of life, including that unfortunate period where Catherine bleached her hair. Kids start fourth grade with plenty of stories and curse words.

September – Family travels to Philadelphia for Cousin TJ’s wedding – Oldest on a first name basis with all the toll workers. Catherine gets tipsy at the reception and writes “Use birth control” on the commemorative plaque. Catherine wins Best Female Contributor at Creative Loafing, beating out the lady who writes about group sex and the Soccer Mom who writes about swinging. Husband is so proud. Youngest starts pony league baseball and Oldest is the star of his flag football team. Catherine pretends to understand both.

October – Catherine goes on local television show to bash capitalism. She doesn’t curse or hit on the host. The boys dress up like 1920s gangsters for Halloween with pretend cigarettes – neighbors alert the authorities. Catherine writes about crazy parents at Youngest’s pony league baseball team and hate mail reaches all-time high. Husband stops appearing with her in public.

November – Catherine turns 40 with friends and family. Husband vows to laugh at her stories for 30 days without feeling the need to improve them or drink himself. She gets a couple of bracelets, wine, root beer vodka, wine, beer, wine, four homemade cards, two hemorrhoids, tons of laughs, and a brand-new niece for her birthday. Life isn’t all bad.

Will 2010 bring more health crises and an overdue nervous breakdown? Will the boys join an organized sport with parents who don’t go batshit crazy in the stands? Will Catherine and Husband communicate without Facebook and Twitter? Only time will tell.