20 observations from the edge of a breakdown

I can’t help but notice certain truths.

This is arguably the shittiest phase of my life, ten times worse than June 1987, when I faked an ankle injury because relatives arrived to attend graduation, only I wasn’t graduating because I had spent the previous six months skipping school and wandering around Floriland Mall.

On the other hand, this drama probably can’t compare with the inevitable adult diaper-wearing years, so maybe I should be thankful I can experience profound emotions and wipe my ass at the same time.

In between making sounds similar to a whale in heat, it may appear as if I’m staring at the computer screen or endless episodes of Intervention with a blank expression on my face and a bit of drool on my chin.

But I am paying attention.

And I don’t miss a beat.

Disturbing, delightful, or both…you decide.

1. The growth on my thyroid makes it difficult to swallow.

2. Skinny girls sometimes stay skinny by chewing food and spitting it into a cup. My relatives would not call television producers if I pulled this shit. They’d stop inviting me to family cookouts.

3. Dogs. Fucking. Smell.

4. David Cross’s I Drink for a Reason is the funniest book since Flowers for Algernon.

5. Citrus County. This is where Confederate flags and Ron Paul bumper stickers go to die. Along with free thought and what’s left of my patience.

6. When you’re an emotional wreck and can’t exercise all week, don’t eat a tuna fish salad from Subway. It makes for a long night. That is all.

7. My biopsy is scheduled the day before my fortieth birthday. Nice. It’s been a long time since I’ve celebrated a major milestone with pain pills and sardonic detachment.

8. I’ve been mispronouncing Ayn Rand’s name. For a long time. You never corrected me. I must remember this kindness when someone says “supposably.” But I probably won’t.

9. UF football player Brandon Spikes tried to gouge out the eyes of his opponent last week. Wonder if he ever played pony league at Forest Hills? As punishment, Spikes will sit out an entire game this Saturday. Wow. An *entire* game? Stay classy, Gainesville.

10. The day you realize you’ve passed along to your children a fondness for sarcasm, arguing, and Jellyfish is a bad crazy day.

11. Yeah, umm, I don’t answer calls marked PRIVATE.

12. Wanting it all isn’t a sin. And if it is, who cares?

13. There are dozens upon dozens of positive coaches in this town. Yes we can!

14. I love people who claim to be “free-lance” writers. Sure. I’ll bet you are.

15. Choosing a blouse that dips low in the back while wearing a regular bra seems appropriate for a woman who picks her nose and buys jeans at Wal-Mart. Stay hot, Baseball Mama.

16. Kenny Chesney ain’t half-bad.

17. I will never be okay.

18. Time changes are fun with kids. Gouging out my eyes with a hot metal spike, eat enough chocolate to choke a pig, then drive off a cliff fun.

19. No, a black fly in your chardonnay is not ironic.

20. It’s impossible to be depressed when Target is selling Pumpkin Egg Nog.

(What the hell am I doing in Citrus County?)