How to enjoy a colposcopy

Come on – cold fingers, cold instruments, and one rather large telescope all up your hoo-ha at the same time – what’s not to like?

Oh wait. They aren’t dimming the lights or strategically placing that telescope just so? Color me embarrassed. Maybe enjoy is a bit of an exaggeration, huh? Okay.

Still. It doesn’t have to be as bad you might imagine.

(Hear that? It’s the sound of men coughing uncomfortably or laughing nervously. Let’s face it. They don’t like reading about our naughty bits unless the story involves their penis in a supporting role. Let them go. They’re hopeless anyway.)

If you get a call from your doctor saying they have to take a look at the *funk* up in your *junk,* here’s how to get through a colposcopy without unraveling psychologically.

Try not to imagine the worst: If you are sitting at the bar with a drink in your hand making eyes at a man who looks like Bradley Cooper while he makes his way toward you, anticipation rocks. If you’re driving to the doctor so he can snip off sections of your cervix to determine if you have cancer? Not so much.

I drove to Dr. Wilkerson’s office on Monday feeling a measure of nervousness and nausea I hadn’t felt since the early 1980s when I tried to wear parachute pants for the first time.

While fighting downtown traffic and the demons in my head, I had no idea what to expect and that was the worst part.

However, like giving blood or blow jobs, nothing is ever as bad as we think it’s going to be. A Brazilian wax, childbirth, codeine bowel movements, and reading a Twilight book all hurt more than a colposcopy. Relax.

Take a stress ball just in case: Are you like me? Do you find yourself wondering what to do with your hands when someone is between your legs? Stroking your doctor’s hair or moaning in Spanish is slightly inappropriate in a clinical setting, so that stress ball your son squeezes when you make him use a dictionary definitely comes in handy.

You also want to breathe and relax your muscles. This isn’t your weird uncle with hairy hands or that boy in 10th grade who doesn’t know how to take no for an answer. Stop clenching.

Cramping is normal and has nothing to do with your physician making small talk: I love Dr. Wilkerson. He’s been my gynecologist since 1989, when my hymen was thicker than the space between Milli Vanilli’s ears.

We’ve been through a lot together, Dr. W and I, and now we’re clearly facing the most serious issue to date.

Still. He’s going to talk about the political climate in third world countries because that shit is whack no matter what’s happening up in Vagina Town.

Maybe conversation relaxes him? I don’t know.

While he’s clipping and snipping like my hairdresser on crack and lecturing about free market capitalism, I felt the need to interrupt.

“Am I supposed to be cramping?” I asked.

“Oh yes,” he said. “That’s completely normal.”

I asked him to explain. He understands my need to know and so the next five minutes were spent explaining the activity in my girlie place, why hormones react to it, and I felt better immediately.

Great. At least some of my body still works properly. And we didn’t have time to get into communism. Whew.

Don’t forget the comment card: When they ask for suggestions, for the love of Christ, don’t hold back.

Open. Bar.

Seriously. The entire event would have been much more enjoyable with a cocktail in my hands.

You will be sore afterward: In less than fifteen minutes, the procedure is done and your innards will be sent off to the lab. Take it easy for a few hours. Put your legs up and try not to compare your discharge to Sweet and Sour Sauce. During dinner. With your husband.

At first, every time I laughed, I thought my uterus would fall out.

Then I popped some Tylenol and felt good as new.

But remember, you aren’t good as new: You will refrain from humpty-hump for at least a week. Tell Mr. Romance to stifle it.

Psychologically, it may take longer.

The fear over cervical cancer might make us laugh nervously or cough uncomfortably. Some might even shed a tear or two.

Don’t be afraid to want hugs and kisses rather than a good stiff bone job.

At least for a little while.

You might feel better after the results come back.

Friday.

I’ll let you know Friday.

Tags: colposcopy