How to survive an abnormal pap smear
This one is for my girls. But of course, right now, my male readers, all two of you, are squirming and about to bounce.
Relax.
An abnormal pap smear might happen to one of *your* girls and then you should know how to help for a change. Instead of just sitting around, scratching your balls. Which might be why we’re in this predicament in the first place.
Dolls, if you get a phone call from your doctor saying you have atypical cells all up in your junk and need to be scheduled for a colposcopy, here are some helpful hints.
Cry it out: Take about ten minutes to pull a Holly Hunter from Broadcast News. Exercising, sex, hitting someone or crying (and sometimes all four at the same time) can be great stress relief.
Take a deep breath – Don’t spend too much time feeling sorry for yourself. Somewhere, someone has been through worse and gotten through it. Toughen up, cupcake.
Count to ten – With all the emphasis on the relationship between certain STDs and cervical cancer, you might get the urge to call every man you’ve ever humpty-humped. What if you’re like me and that list only includes your husband and Jesus? You might want to call every guy you ever rolled around with when playing “dodge the cock” in college.
Don’t.
Abnormal pap smears, dysplaysia, and cervical cancer – these things happen to virgins and sluts alike. Trying to figure out why is as useful as trying to determine who sneezed near you last month.
Focus. Energies. Elsewhere.
Allow yourself some time - Intrinsically, we know eating right and exercising can only minimize, not eliminate, risk. Yet it is jarring and disheartening to face such proof in the form of potentially bad news from your doctor. Take a few days to get used to the idea that you, too, are human.
Get away from Google - Whenever you put in a search term that deals with health-related issues, the results are cancer and death. Always. Instead of going online, just skip right to the nervous breakdown. Save some time.
Talk about it – Millions of women have to deal with this issue every day, chances are you know some of them. Ask around. You will discover an entire support system, lovely ladies who let you vent, cry, worry, and vow to overcome. Your favorite men as well. Their support, prayers, and positive thoughts are worth more than you know.
Learn from this – A cliche, but check it. A family friend once suffered through cancer and was grateful because it clarified so many things and allowed him to get back together with his wife.
Don’t get me wrong.
I don’t want the three or four people who aren’t in my life, to suddenly realize they give a shit in an attempt to wipe their conscience clean.
No.
They can continue to fuck off. If they didn’t care about me yesterday, then they aren’t allowed to care about me today.
But I do think a good scare helps us to realize that those who *are* in our lives deserve the best while we can continue to give it. Focus on that. Sometimes a good jarring can help us – spiritually, personally, physically – and remind us of what’s truly important.
Don’t give up – If you’re like me, you make careful and healthy lifestyle choices. Yet, even I still have to deal with skin cancer issues, a potentially fatal blood disease, and now this nonsense. The urge to slurp on a milkshake, or a margarita or ten, and forgo the exercise routine is tempting.
But my doctor said these issues might have popped up ten years earlier if I didn’t take good care of myself. Eating right, exercise, and regular check-ups not only can help to postpone dire diagnoses but can also quicken recovery time. So I’m not gonna get fat and lazy anytime soon.
Even if I die next month, at least I’ll make a decent looking corpse.
Remember you are a work in progress – I got my *phone call* just a few days ago and still feel foggy about it. My biopsy is scheduled for August 31st and so I must try to accept that life is what we make of it and the rest is simply not in our control. There will be good days and bad days.
Sometimes, it helps to remember this:
“Life is a series of tragedies and near misses.”
and
“That which does not kill us, makes us bitter.”
Now go in peace. And get better soon.
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Macular Degeneration and now this? I’m confused, are you having a biopsy, a colonoscopy or is it sort of a two-for-one, “Well, we’re going in there and, if we see anything that offends, we’re just gonna git ‘er done?”
Further, while I admittedly have only the dimmest memory of M’Lady’s Plumbing, it seems that a colonoscopy is choosing the wrong rabbit hole for a medical procedure that usually you have to go to a Japanese School Girl Tentacle Porn website to see.
In any event, get it all cleared up before October because if I haul my cookies all the way to effing Florida and DON’T get dinner with you I’m going to be well and truly pissed.
Incidentally, while googling “Abnormal Pap Smear” I ran across the About.com site for Women’s Health where the “expert” warned that one of the dangers of improperly maintained manicure equipment was HIV/AIDS (as well as other, unspecified diseases).
So, yeah, googling a diagnosis is, 9 times out of 10, a wretched mistake and About.com is apparently staffed by retarded douche bags with all the actual medical knowledge of a diarrhea-spewing hyena.
Since you didn’t give much precision as far as the reading of the pap, I won’t guess or make a joke. You seem to have taken the best material already. I will say that it isn’t unusual to have an abnormal smear or two as you get further from birth. Most mean nothing. But my agnostic prayers will be going out to you, anyway.
Your husband and Jesus? Not Jesus Alou, the former Giant/Houston outfielder? Seems a bit old for you…
Ok, so I lied, one sad joke.
I once had a pain in my shoulder. It wouldn’t go away and the orthopedic surgeon I went to see didn’t even take an x-ray but sent me to physical therapy (I suspect he had a financial interest in the PT clinic). Anyway, it didn’t help and I went back to my primary care Dr. who ordered an immediate x-ray and a tumor the size of a golf ball showed up in my humerus.
I was immediately scheduled for surgery/biopsy (funny story, I wasn’t told the biopsy included removing the tumor, I just figured they would poke me with a needle and suck up a few of them cells, not slice a one by two hole thru my bicep and bone).
Anyway, they told me it would take a week for the results of the biopsy. After that week, they told me there were some abnormal cells and that they were sending the sample to another specialist, which would take another week.
Did I get hysterical, lash out or get all reflective? Nope, not this guy. I just took the same attitude that any normal red-blooded American would.
I went into denial. It was not happening.
Now before you poo-poo this concept, think about it…You really can’t affect the results by worrying, if you have some regrets and you want to make amends, you really don’t have the time to do much and if you go off the emotional deep end and it turns out to be (as is likely) nothing, you’ll have to face those to whom you’ve made confessions and/or admissions for decades into the future.
Denial, it’s not just a river in Egypt.
It’s a lifestyle choice.
Oh, yeah, and lots of sex with your husband (or self) could be good…
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