How to Survive Living at Home With Your Parents…When You are Almost Forty

If you find yourself back home with the ‘rents while looking for a place to live, towing a spouse and two kids behind you, here’s how to get through the experience with some style and grace.

What makes me an expert?

One time I yelled “NASCAR isn’t a sport!”

Just last week I tasted Mom’s leftovers, accidentally ate bacon, and ended up on the toilet for three hours.

Don’t get me started about where I mistakenly stored my love toys. (Hint: Stay away from dresser drawers marked Rosary Collection.)

Style and grace.

Trust me.

Here we go.

1. Pretend you are deaf and blind. This is especially helpful if you are a converted Jew who hardly believes in God and your parents are devout Catholics. Just pretend you don’t hear the nightly chanting of the rosary. Make believe you can’t see Jesus looking at you in every room. Ignore kids’ questions like, “What’s wrong with Nana?” But be careful when moving about in the House of the Lord. Don’t knock over that holy water in the living room. No one, and I mean no one, will believe it’s an accident.

2. Drink two glasses of wine every day. Makes it easier to sit through Dad’s Political Science 101 Classes, which include, but are not limited to: Treehugging Hippies Smell and Kennedy Was a Communist.

3. Avoid leftovers. Your vegetarian sensibilities and ass will thank me later.

4. Save 75% of your income. Watching the balance rise is the only way to feel better during long nights where Dad falls asleep in front of TNT’s Top Gun marathon, with volume so high they could hear it in Guam. What to do when the movie starts again? See Rule #2 and enjoy Goose’s death scene. Twice.

5. Learn to love Ice Road Truckers, CSI, and Oprah. Otherwise you will have a stroke.

6. Count to ten. So what if your parents store five years’ worth of lottery tickets in a kitchen drawer? Who cares if they serve beer and bread with every meal? So what if their collection of clutter warrants an intervention? Who are you to judge?

7. Learn tolerance. Older men make noises. They snore while awake and wake the dead when asleep. Older women drink. Brandy gives them the strength to sleep with their husbands. Remember this yourself in 15 years. Just sayin’.

8. Nod and say, “You may be right.” A lot. Mom can’t help but intervene when you send her “precious boys” out to play in 83 degree weather that could “fry an egg.” She will not remain silent when your no-television rule includes Jeopardy because that show is “educational.” You don’t need her to tell you you’re too tough on her “angels,” but it helps. Just nod and remember that they are her children. You are simply raising them.

9. Pick your battles. Yes, there is butter and cream in everything on the table. Of course all that bacon grease in the microwave is nasty. You have a point – no one in the family over the age of fifty can see their toes. But she’s making your meals. He’s watching your kids. So don’t yell, “I can hear your arteries hardening!” every time they reach for the ice cream. Just sip your green tea and look the other way.

10. Don’t be afraid to throw your kids under the bus. Fingerprints on the wall, spilled holy water, missing utensils, porn left in the DVD…there is nothing you can’t blame on your children. Plus they don’t get punished. So everyone wins.

A year will go by in the blink of an eye. Yes, you have to put the griddle away every day, but most of the time your kids get pancakes without asking.

The happy memories far outweigh the gas pains.

As we enter our last week (and it is always darkest right before the dawn), I try to remember that in time I will miss the clutter, lectures, and smell of fried ham.

Well.

I’ll miss the pancakes. And Mom’s laugh.

That’s gotta count for something.