“Mommy. This is quite a list.”

I realized this morning that I say the same things every single day.

I say the same *66* things every single day.

And I’m not counting “I love you” and “Where did I go wrong?”

I actually wrote down everything I say in the morning before my children go to school and in the afternoon and evening when they’re home. I sound like a goddamn broken record.

Let’s back up.

I’m about to lose my mind.

I’m not going to get up on a stage and put this litany to music, but I am sick and tired of saying the same thing over and again to two nine year-olds who think it’s funny when Mommy almost strokes out because the vein bulges in her forehead.

I decided to create a chart with everything I say and the boys earn a point for everything they do without a prompt.

“Make beds neatly.”

“Put your clothes away.”

“Chew with your mouth closed.”

“Brush your teeth.”

“Now brush your teeth correctly.”

“DEAR book reading time.”

And so on and so on and so on until I’m ready to be put down like a dog.

Extra credit goes for things like hugs, kisses, and the occasional “yes please” and “no thank you.” Eye rolling gets a swat on the ass, but honoring their parents and grandparents can save them from a mouthful of soap and negative 3 points.

Then I created a grading scale. That’s right b*tches. I am a former teacher after all. At the end of the week, I will average the grades and dole out some consequences for the weekend:

A – Allowance, electronics, movie
B – Electronics, movie
C – Movie
D – Mommy moves away with no forwarding address
F – Mommy sends you to Alaska to live with the grizzy bears

If nothing else, this will save my vocal chords and hopefully a brain cell or two.

Wish me luck…

Tags: Mommy strokes out