Things I’m Not Supposed to Like

Most of the time, I toe the line with traditional beliefs and likings that uphold my status as a serious thinker who votes to the left of Lenin.

But then I break ranks because I gotta be me. For example, I’m a fan of …

- Sarah Palin. She’s that crazy aunt you get liquored up at the next family reunion because listening to her say crazy sh*t is fun. But she shouldn’t be running the country.

- Sugar waxing, cosmetic surgery, pedicures, manicures, and make-up. You don’t have to look like a feminist in order to be one.

- Jimmy Buffet. ‘Nuff said.

- Going to The Todd Theater with Victoria. She doesn’t judge or ask me to view her webcam afterwards.

- Howard Stern. ‘Cause I like to laugh.

- Republicans. It’s safer to say they’re all evil and stupid. But really they care about their kids, the future, and our country. A few even do some good. Plus they give great hugs.

- Misunderstood villians. Like Lucy Van Pelt and Nellie from Little House on the Prairie. They need allies too.

-Rabbits. Never let you down.

- Making money. It might sound shallow and elitist, but I don’t care. The Sierra Club and ACLU will get better donations this year and so will my savings account. Everyone wins.

- Meat eaters. Good talk if you can look past the veal stuck in their teeth. And you can. Cause their eyes are more important anyway.

- Versace sunglasses, True Religion jeans, and Prada bags. They go great with anything. Kinda like me.

- The smell of pork products or watching someone eat grilled cheese sandwiches and potato chips. I’ve lost five pounds in the last few months because disgusting food has the same effect that taking care of my friends with STDs had in college – my legs and mouth stay closed until presented with irresistible options.

- Turning off the debate after the “I’ve got a bracelet, too” pissing contest gets old. There are better things to do on a Friday night, people.

…thanks Victoria.